Breakdown At A Molecular Level

     Quite a bit has changed recently. I'll cut to the chase since this will probably be a very long entry, but I lost a band member on New Year’s Eve. It happened at a party, and there was apparently Everclear involved. I don't know all of the details since I wasn't there (I was in New Orleans for the holiday) but he went off for no reason and started insulting everyone the band and telling us how we couldn't play or write music at all, and that we wouldn't get anywhere without him, and he quit. Instead of saying the next day "hey guys, I was way too drunk last night and I'm sorry for saying all of that stuff," he just stuck by it. Funny thing is, he claims not to remember what happened, but also claims he wasn't "that drunk." This guy is such a prideful, self-important ass, that we're all pretty sure that he doesn't want to admit that he was a drunk asshole. The way he conducted himself after all of this too has been just extremely petty, and him treating us all like garbage, and for no reason. We didn't do anything to him, HE quit, we didn't kick him out. I guess half an hour or so before he flipped out, the guys were all talking about how their new year’s resolution was to get signed. It's all very strange to me. He won't even tell anyone why we left. He just says he doesn't want to talk about it. Unfortunately, he's also my roommate. So, I’ve been looking for a new place to live. I have some prospective locations lined up, so hopefully I find something soon.

    In other somewhat related news, I've started a side project with two friends of mine. I think we're going to be going for a really gritty, nasty sounding southern rock sound. It'll probably sound similar to clutch but harder and rawer, and I'm certainly looking forward to it. I'm imagining thy lyrical content will consist mostly of drinking, smoking, fighting, and making whoopee, which I'm ok with. It's going to be a three piece band, so I’m probably going to be singing, playing guitar, and maybe even writing most of, if not all, of the music. This will be a huge challenge for me, but I'm more than willing to tackle it. We're going to be taking stage names I believe, so I'm going to take on a whole different persona as well. I think I'm going to have to, since the music will be about things I love, but not really talk about or really exemplify (to an extreme degree, anyway). So, I'm going to have the music believable by acting like this guy, who would write about this stuff in real life. Looks like I'm going to be making up a few stories about fights, women, and drink-offs that never happened, haha. It might be nice to be someone else for an hour or so every so often. Someone who's actually got stories to tell. One who's been around, and seen a few thangs, and writes music about 'em. This is going to be a super, super fun thing.

     So, I think I'm finally going to see a doctor about my depression. It's time. It's been time for a while, I think. Started a few years ago, and has just boiled down into pure apathy. It's really hard to care about anything at all. I of course still have desires and like doing things, it's just...hard to describe, really. Nothing satisfies your urges. You can spend every penny you have on fun, or every second you have with people doing the things you love, but it's not enough. It’s not anything at the end. I really need to fix this. I can't see myself getting a girlfriend anytime soon while I feel this way. Maybe once I get a girl, all these love dreams will stop. I hate having them. I hate remembering what that feels like and not having it and it can sometimes be painful for me to realize that when I wake up, it was all just a dream. They don't feel like dreams. I get the same feelings I did when I was with people I loved. I always feel a bit more drained after waking up these dreams, like it cost me something to feel these feelings. It’s a very odd and confusing thing to wake from. It feels like my subconscious is trying to tell me "hey, love will make you happy again!" Will it? I can't love someone again until I figure myself out. I've got to make sure I have enough energy to. I can't make love out of thin air. Or happiness, it would seem.

Smoke and Mirrors

     First off, I'm spending new years in New Orleans with my sister and her boyfriend, and it's going to be rad. Secondly, I don't have a second point yet, so just bear with me while I get things figured out. You might be sitting here for a while.

     Alright. Yesterday I dragged my still slightly drunk/hung-over self to the Subway where I live to get something other than Red Stag into my system, where I encounter a friend of mine. Not too strange, seeing as how she works there, but it's always nice to see her. This girl and I used to spend a lot of time together last year during the summer, and we usually saw each other about 3-4 times a week. She was a friend of a friend's girlfriend, and she started coming around a lot. Basically all we did was party together at first, but then we started hanging out and doing things together, and just really enjoying each other’s company. I know at least at one point there were definitely some mutual feelings, but nothing ever became of it, one of the factors being she had a boyfriend herself at the time. Oh, another factor was that we're about 5 years apart in age. Later down the road that'd be a nonissue, but where it stands now, it's gotta make you wince a little bit. Regardless, there's always been a bit of a tangible essence of desire and unfulfilled curiosities. It's never something that ever got in the way of our friendship (no matter what, that always came before anything else inherently), so it's never actually been a big deal. The farthest it ever went was we made out a couple of times (one of those times she actually still had that boyfriend (whoops)). Lately we've been getting closer again, and everyone that sees us together (mainly girls) seems to think that she's into me (putting it lightly, and in more family friendly terms). I figure that's just not true. She and I have always just had that kind of relationship; we touch each other a lot, call each other hun, just, really close and touchy-feely. I inform my friends that they're wrong, and this is just how we act, and they give me an "oh, come on" look, which I immediately brush off. She's got a different boyfriend now (whom she lives with), so again, I'm convinced there's nothing there. However, today we were having a smoke together outside, and she said that her and I should "go on a date" to some place in Rockford then see a movie after. She used the word "date" a couple of times, which kind of threw me off a little bit. It wasn't used in a joking manner either; it was used in an almost excited sounding way. She even said that she was going to make sure to look her best and maybe even wear a dress. So I went along with it and said I'd dress up nice myself, and even rent a fancy car for the occasion. I wanted to see her reaction, and he just got more excited and mentioned date a couple more times. It turned out to be really just kind of confusing. There's a strong chance (and by "there's a strong chance," I just mean that it's a fact) that I'm super naive and oblivious when it comes to these things, or that she loves attention and wants a night out away from the boyfriend. I'm going with the second option on this one. Besides, she's way out of my league anyway. This girl...well, you'd have to see her, because any description just wouldn't be enough. So, what I’m going to do on this “date” of ours is sit there and enjoy the company of a good friend and a gorgeous girl and let everyone see me with her and give them all “yeah, that’s right” winks. I could totally use the confidence boost, hehe.

Yeah. That’s right.

-Wander_Lust64
    

Ain't Nobody Got Time Fo Dat

     Ok, so last night my band played a pretty decent show I think, just based off of crowd reaction alone. I've played plenty of shows before, but this was some of the best crowd reaction I've seen in thus far. Second only to my old band that was beginning to turn toward the post hardcore genre. Luckily, I made sure the performance was recorded by the sound guy, so now we have a physical copy of an hour's worth of material. The show was burned onto a DVD, and he saved each mic channel as a WAV file that we can mix ourselves with any music editing software. Basically, this means that we can take the best sounding songs, master them, and BAM, demo. I haven't been able to listen to the songs all the way through yet but from what I've heard of it so far, we should be able to use some tracks to either put onto a CD, or use as a demo to provide larger venues with so we can play in places other than DeKalb. One of the really nice things about last night is that we could all hear each other on stage, and for once I could actually hear myself, which I can assure you is rarely the case at the House Cafe.

     Another interesting detail is that I had some female company. There's a girl I work with that I've been talking/flirting with basically every time I see her, and I actually worked up the nerve to give her my number. We started texting and established that there was indeed a mutual attraction going on (WOOOO!) She suggested we go together, so I figured my show would be the perfect place since it was a day away (at that point). Basically, she didn't say much the entire night unless spoken to first, which really kind of bugs me. I mean, we were there, trying to establish some kind of connection, and maybe see what could happen because of it, but she was putting in zero effort it seemed. I'm pretty sure she's just a naturally shy/nervous person, which I think had basically 100% to do with it, but really, I can't be with someone like that. She's never shy or quiet at work. I'd probably be more sympathetic towards it a few years ago, but now...Just tired of it I guess. I'm too old to be dealing with he whole 'beating around the bush" thing. The general silence did however give me plenty of time to realize that she and I...don't really have much in common at all.  Made me kind of wonder why I had the attraction in the first place? I think what tends to happen lately is that I see a woman that I can easily talk to and get along with and I'm just like "man, I wonder if this could go anywhere." Not exactly the best mindset to haven, especially so quickly. I guess I can attribute that to me being single for so long, that being NOT single is just kind of on the brain all the damn time. It gets a bit frustrating sometimes, constantly looking at almost every single girl I know or encounter as a dating prospect, especially since it's a total knee-jerk reaction that has no weight or merit, basically ever. At least I can take some comfort in knowing that I'm not desperately trying to peruse them. Sometimes, I'll get vibes however that I should ask some ladies for their numbers. Usually, I need to tell those vibes to fuck off, because they're just, totally, super false. For example:

     One night my buddy Ryan and I are out on the town, drinking our dranks, smokin' our cigs, and just generally being cool, collected, owning whatever joint him and I decided to step into. So, we get an invite to a party while we're out that is supposed to contain a bunch of ladies, drinks, and general good times.
     "Gee," I think to myself. I like the ladies. Scratch that, I love the ladies." so my buddy and I go to this party, and as promised there's a decent male/female ratio. I'm wearing my nice jeans, nice shoes, and my most fresh metal T, so basically I'm looking ok. I start talking to this girl (her name eludes me) for about an hour. Just about random things that we're into, that kinda stuff. She mentions a band we both like and playing at a local venue a few weeks from then and we both kind of elude to each other that maybe it wouldn't be such an insane idea to go together. Another half hour passes, and she was getting ready to leave, so I asked for her number, so we could possibly meet or up grab coffee at some point. She just kind of looked at me and gave me a really demeaning laugh and said "uh, hah, ok, I guess." She gave it to me, and I didn't even bother saving it. It was pretty obvious then that her whole attitude changed as soon as I asked  for her number, and she clearly gave to me out of...well, that part I’m not sure of why, but she did, but it was very clear she wasn't comfortable with it. I'd have rather her just told me no. I can handle that, no problem. Just don't make me feel like shit for asking you for it when it seemed like we were having a great time talking and might have gone to a damn show together. I guess my biggest concern with this situation is that my gut feelings about something usually don't steer me wrong. I wonder what signal she was sending me that I just didn't get when we were talking that would have caused me to realize she was just talking for the sake of it. I never exactly had an edge, or any real particular Suaviness®, but I seem to have lost whatever I used to posses. It's a hell of a thing, I guess. I have to re-learn everything that I used to know about how to read and conversate with women. Maybe gain a little confidence so I don't subconsciously imagine what it might be like to gain every darn woman's affection, because I don't want to. Ain't nobody got time fo dat.

Lookin' for answers,
-Wander_lust64

Ritual

Ah, the sweet sounds of Opus Eponymous, the debut album by Ghost. I know a lot of people don't like them, but they can put a sock on it. I think a lot more people would enjoy it if they could get over the ridiculously satanic lyrics, but to each his own. The album has a very 70's, Blue Oyster Cult kind of sound to them, and definitely one of the catchiest albums I've heard in forever. These guys know what they're doing, for sure. It's bands like Ghost that I try to really take something from every time I listen to the album, in hopes of gaining some secret knowledge on how to make my own band better. Lately, my mind always seems to be on my music, whither it's about shows, or practice, or recording, or what have you. I think I spend more time thinking about music than I spend thinking about women or money, which I assure you, is quite a bit. It's really one of the only things I care about. There's not much I'm emotionally invested in (not to sound emo, or whiney (it's just the truth)), and my band makes the cut of the things that I actually do.

     Been feeling particularly alone lately. Been seemingly unable to be able express myself, or let anything out. I listen to all of this music that makes everything I can still feel ebb away at the walls that contain it, but I won't escape. I hold a pencil to blank paper and wait for something to desperately collapse onto it, like it has no other choice than to do just that. I want to create something besides uncertainty. I want to create something that I can be proud of, or that would shock me in some way. Maybe it's not happening because I've forgotten how to create. How to feel the things I need to in order to put myself on paper. I feel like it's been so long since I've naturally felt that way that I don't remember how to. Is that possible? Maybe there's too much going on in my head to make sense of anything. Like every thought or feeling I've had for a while just gets added to the pile of musings and reactionary emotions. It's possible that it's all building up until it can't be contained anymore, and then I'll have a tidal wave of creativity and other positives. I hope I've got a mountain of something to write/draw on, or it's going to escape all at once then POOF, gone again. Not having anyone to indadequately express things I can't even verbalize to has been tough. You turn around, and no one is there. I need to make more friends. Although I feel like at the end of the day I've forgotten to do that too.
.

Autumn

     I'm not sure if there's a particular reason for it, but I swear, it seems since June, every month has gotten exponentially shorter. October, which is my favorite months, is almost over and I feel like two weeks have passed since the 1st. I wonder if this cycle will continue to the point where one day I'm 40 and am spending time with my wife and kids (LOLOLOLOL) and the next I'll be passing in some old folks home or hospital bed? I feel like my time is being taken from me. Or maybe I've been wasting it? I think I already know the answer to that. Although, Listening to The Devil's Blood makes it all a bit better. Anyone who sees this blog should do themselves a favor and also check out The Devil's Blood. Awesome 70's-esque proggy/psychedelic occult band, and the basically rule. Definitely worth checking out.

     When I got to work today, it turned out that everything I needed to do tonight was already done, so I’ve kind of just been looking for things to do, and not finding them. I'll be back in my outside post soon, so that will give me some time to read, or what have you. My mind's been a bit blank lately when it comes to things to draw, so I probably won't be doing that. Mind's been a little blank in general I guess I could say, actually. I should probably spend more time shooting electrons through my brain instead of drooling about why it isn't happening. I need a damn change if scenery. I got to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers a few days ago, and that definitely takes the cake as far as the best show I've seen goes. Just a totally transcendent experience, the whole show just shot me back into memories of the best years of my life. I loved that feeling. I especially loved being able to share it with two of my favorite people in the world, ever. I wish my buddy John could have been there. I feel like if there was anyone else I should have seen that show with, it would be him. He got me into them around...2003 I want to say. I think the first song I'd heard by them was Parallel Universe, and I was basically hooked from there. John and I (plus the circle of friends we spent time with) would just hang out almost every day, just driving around blasting Chili Peppers and getting into trouble. And by trouble, I mean we just drove around. Endless summers spent with great friends, and the Peppers were always the soundtrack. I feel like their discography was the score for my life for about 7 years, and that was fine with me. Getting to actually see them, these guys I idolized since I was a kid, was almost too much. I was in shock before, during, and after the concert; I still can't even believe I actually saw them. Best damn show I've been to yet. So here's to you, John.

     I figured out my old MySpace information, and I've been going through the last few years of my life that was catalogued there. What the hell, high school self? What the hell.

A Broken Record Running Low On Luck

     So, I've typed about twelve different opening statements for this post, erased them all, and just decided to write about how I did that and use that for my first thought instead. Obviously, since it's being read now. Along with the other troubles I seem to be having, the ability to write anything, or really put two logical words in order when I speak, lately. Overall, my brain seems to just be wearing out on me, and I have no clue why. Could be my lack of any sort of sleeping pattern (besides of course sleep then wake up), or maybe it's my total lack of (romantic) human connection, but all I know is that I feel like I'm running on empty, like I'm getting no fulfillment out of anything I do anymore. I just pour energy that I don't have into work and music and I feel like a husk at the end of the day. Even thought I love music and my job both, I wonder why I do it. Why do I sit around playing music with my friends? Why do I work a job that keeps me up at ridiculous hours? I feel compelled to, and I need to fix these things. I need to fix a lot of things.

     As of like 12 minutes ago, I’ve decided I'm shutting down all of my dating profiles, and if I ever reactivate them, it won't be for a very long time. I think they're a pretty big factor in the way I've been feeling lately. I feel like they're really bringing me down all the time, like it's a constant reminder that I'm looking for someone, and that's not something I want/need because I’m perfectly aware of it already. I'd love to seriously start dating someone, but I feel like at this point in my life it's just not realistic. I've got so much going on all the time that I'm not sure if I'd have enough time to dedicate to someone. Although, I'm pretty sure if I found someone worthwhile I'd find time for her, but that's probably a given. However, with my current car situation, meeting any of these girls currently would be basically impossible anyway. Besides the fact it's not working properly at the moment, the last thing I want anyone to see, let alone a woman I was interested in dating, is me trying to look suave while exiting my car via the passenger side door. I could be looking super fine in some sort of tailored slim fit suit (that I don't own) and have my hair done perfectly, and that rolling shit-box would pretty quickly have them getting "emergency calls" that'd require them to leave. That doesn't exactly add to my already lacking alpha-male status. Looking at the 2013 Dodge Dart right now, should be a good replacement vehicle for the ol' Bonneville. I've had that car since I was 17, and it's usually been great to me, but it's almost 14 years old and it's earned its rest. I'm probably going to end up scrapping it soon, which will be a very sad day for me. Especially since I already have to take my cat to a shelter this week since I can't keep her at my father's anymore. I'll be loosing quite a bit all at once, but that’s the breaks, I s’pose.

::siiiiiiiiigh::,
-Wander_lustrious Sixteh-Fo

Complacentastic!!!!1

Things have been quite busy for me (musically) lately! It’s good to have something to keep myself occupied with when I’m off of work even thought music is starting to feel like a second full time job (that I love). Recently we played and NIU battle of the bands that was a hell of a lot of fun (and that we won), and just last night we played a show in Chicago. There wasn’t much of a crowd, but the few that were there, including the other bands, really seemed to dig our set. I was surprised they liked us, seeing as the other two bands was this 80’s hair metal-ish kind of band and the second one being a slow, heavy, metal group. The second group was a band called Violent Faith, based out of Michigan, and let me tell you, these guys ruled. On top of playing an awesome show, they’re just a bunch of awesome guys.  They even had my band pose with theirs for some pictures under the venue sign, and that was totally killer. I hope we run into these fellas again someday; I have a feeling we’d tear up whatever city we were in. One thing violent faith said to us is that apparently our sound (which I’m still trying to figure out exactly what to classify it as (alt. rock? Mehhr)) is very well suited to the area where they’re from, so we may just have to look at playing some shows in Michigan! We just played our first show outside of De Kalb, so why not make it out of state next? Most excellent. We sure have a lot more work to do before any of that happens though. We’ve been making some excellent headway, but there’s still a lot of work to be done.

      I’ve been thinking more and more about living in the city, and last night’s show didn’t help dissuade me of such an idea. I really feel like I belong every time I stop by to visit. One good point my drummer, Phil, brought up, was “Man, I couldn’t live in this city; I’d fall in love every five seconds.” He makes a valid point, there; Chicago does seem to have just copious amounts of beautiful women, just…everywhere. Seeing all of these ladies everywhere, plus an earlier conversation with Phil, made me realize that I’ve been single coming up on a year and a half now. Looks weird to me, actually written out with the time it’s been since I had any sort of substantial relationship. And even then, the last one I had turned into a nightmare. As much as I’ve enjoyed being single for as long as I have been, I’m starting to get a bit complacent with it. Turns out being unattached and being alone are two very different things, as soon as you realize the connotations of both. I have grown a little tired of sharing my big, dumbass bed with only my laptop and the mounds of oversized pillows I sleep with under my arm. I’ve got female friends, but I can’t really just have them sleep over, cuddle, hold hands, and all that other stuff. Ugh. Maybe once I start hitting the gym hardcore again and focus even more on music, I won’t be thinking about all this junk so much. At least that’s what I’ll tell myself for now. Plus, the gym and music focus are just things I need to do anyway. Picking up some overtime would be nice, too, but what can you do.

Shredz,

Wander_Lust