Ain't Nobody Got Time Fo Dat

     Ok, so last night my band played a pretty decent show I think, just based off of crowd reaction alone. I've played plenty of shows before, but this was some of the best crowd reaction I've seen in thus far. Second only to my old band that was beginning to turn toward the post hardcore genre. Luckily, I made sure the performance was recorded by the sound guy, so now we have a physical copy of an hour's worth of material. The show was burned onto a DVD, and he saved each mic channel as a WAV file that we can mix ourselves with any music editing software. Basically, this means that we can take the best sounding songs, master them, and BAM, demo. I haven't been able to listen to the songs all the way through yet but from what I've heard of it so far, we should be able to use some tracks to either put onto a CD, or use as a demo to provide larger venues with so we can play in places other than DeKalb. One of the really nice things about last night is that we could all hear each other on stage, and for once I could actually hear myself, which I can assure you is rarely the case at the House Cafe.

     Another interesting detail is that I had some female company. There's a girl I work with that I've been talking/flirting with basically every time I see her, and I actually worked up the nerve to give her my number. We started texting and established that there was indeed a mutual attraction going on (WOOOO!) She suggested we go together, so I figured my show would be the perfect place since it was a day away (at that point). Basically, she didn't say much the entire night unless spoken to first, which really kind of bugs me. I mean, we were there, trying to establish some kind of connection, and maybe see what could happen because of it, but she was putting in zero effort it seemed. I'm pretty sure she's just a naturally shy/nervous person, which I think had basically 100% to do with it, but really, I can't be with someone like that. She's never shy or quiet at work. I'd probably be more sympathetic towards it a few years ago, but now...Just tired of it I guess. I'm too old to be dealing with he whole 'beating around the bush" thing. The general silence did however give me plenty of time to realize that she and I...don't really have much in common at all.  Made me kind of wonder why I had the attraction in the first place? I think what tends to happen lately is that I see a woman that I can easily talk to and get along with and I'm just like "man, I wonder if this could go anywhere." Not exactly the best mindset to haven, especially so quickly. I guess I can attribute that to me being single for so long, that being NOT single is just kind of on the brain all the damn time. It gets a bit frustrating sometimes, constantly looking at almost every single girl I know or encounter as a dating prospect, especially since it's a total knee-jerk reaction that has no weight or merit, basically ever. At least I can take some comfort in knowing that I'm not desperately trying to peruse them. Sometimes, I'll get vibes however that I should ask some ladies for their numbers. Usually, I need to tell those vibes to fuck off, because they're just, totally, super false. For example:

     One night my buddy Ryan and I are out on the town, drinking our dranks, smokin' our cigs, and just generally being cool, collected, owning whatever joint him and I decided to step into. So, we get an invite to a party while we're out that is supposed to contain a bunch of ladies, drinks, and general good times.
     "Gee," I think to myself. I like the ladies. Scratch that, I love the ladies." so my buddy and I go to this party, and as promised there's a decent male/female ratio. I'm wearing my nice jeans, nice shoes, and my most fresh metal T, so basically I'm looking ok. I start talking to this girl (her name eludes me) for about an hour. Just about random things that we're into, that kinda stuff. She mentions a band we both like and playing at a local venue a few weeks from then and we both kind of elude to each other that maybe it wouldn't be such an insane idea to go together. Another half hour passes, and she was getting ready to leave, so I asked for her number, so we could possibly meet or up grab coffee at some point. She just kind of looked at me and gave me a really demeaning laugh and said "uh, hah, ok, I guess." She gave it to me, and I didn't even bother saving it. It was pretty obvious then that her whole attitude changed as soon as I asked  for her number, and she clearly gave to me out of...well, that part I’m not sure of why, but she did, but it was very clear she wasn't comfortable with it. I'd have rather her just told me no. I can handle that, no problem. Just don't make me feel like shit for asking you for it when it seemed like we were having a great time talking and might have gone to a damn show together. I guess my biggest concern with this situation is that my gut feelings about something usually don't steer me wrong. I wonder what signal she was sending me that I just didn't get when we were talking that would have caused me to realize she was just talking for the sake of it. I never exactly had an edge, or any real particular Suaviness®, but I seem to have lost whatever I used to posses. It's a hell of a thing, I guess. I have to re-learn everything that I used to know about how to read and conversate with women. Maybe gain a little confidence so I don't subconsciously imagine what it might be like to gain every darn woman's affection, because I don't want to. Ain't nobody got time fo dat.

Lookin' for answers,
-Wander_lust64

Ritual

Ah, the sweet sounds of Opus Eponymous, the debut album by Ghost. I know a lot of people don't like them, but they can put a sock on it. I think a lot more people would enjoy it if they could get over the ridiculously satanic lyrics, but to each his own. The album has a very 70's, Blue Oyster Cult kind of sound to them, and definitely one of the catchiest albums I've heard in forever. These guys know what they're doing, for sure. It's bands like Ghost that I try to really take something from every time I listen to the album, in hopes of gaining some secret knowledge on how to make my own band better. Lately, my mind always seems to be on my music, whither it's about shows, or practice, or recording, or what have you. I think I spend more time thinking about music than I spend thinking about women or money, which I assure you, is quite a bit. It's really one of the only things I care about. There's not much I'm emotionally invested in (not to sound emo, or whiney (it's just the truth)), and my band makes the cut of the things that I actually do.

     Been feeling particularly alone lately. Been seemingly unable to be able express myself, or let anything out. I listen to all of this music that makes everything I can still feel ebb away at the walls that contain it, but I won't escape. I hold a pencil to blank paper and wait for something to desperately collapse onto it, like it has no other choice than to do just that. I want to create something besides uncertainty. I want to create something that I can be proud of, or that would shock me in some way. Maybe it's not happening because I've forgotten how to create. How to feel the things I need to in order to put myself on paper. I feel like it's been so long since I've naturally felt that way that I don't remember how to. Is that possible? Maybe there's too much going on in my head to make sense of anything. Like every thought or feeling I've had for a while just gets added to the pile of musings and reactionary emotions. It's possible that it's all building up until it can't be contained anymore, and then I'll have a tidal wave of creativity and other positives. I hope I've got a mountain of something to write/draw on, or it's going to escape all at once then POOF, gone again. Not having anyone to indadequately express things I can't even verbalize to has been tough. You turn around, and no one is there. I need to make more friends. Although I feel like at the end of the day I've forgotten to do that too.
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Autumn

     I'm not sure if there's a particular reason for it, but I swear, it seems since June, every month has gotten exponentially shorter. October, which is my favorite months, is almost over and I feel like two weeks have passed since the 1st. I wonder if this cycle will continue to the point where one day I'm 40 and am spending time with my wife and kids (LOLOLOLOL) and the next I'll be passing in some old folks home or hospital bed? I feel like my time is being taken from me. Or maybe I've been wasting it? I think I already know the answer to that. Although, Listening to The Devil's Blood makes it all a bit better. Anyone who sees this blog should do themselves a favor and also check out The Devil's Blood. Awesome 70's-esque proggy/psychedelic occult band, and the basically rule. Definitely worth checking out.

     When I got to work today, it turned out that everything I needed to do tonight was already done, so I’ve kind of just been looking for things to do, and not finding them. I'll be back in my outside post soon, so that will give me some time to read, or what have you. My mind's been a bit blank lately when it comes to things to draw, so I probably won't be doing that. Mind's been a little blank in general I guess I could say, actually. I should probably spend more time shooting electrons through my brain instead of drooling about why it isn't happening. I need a damn change if scenery. I got to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers a few days ago, and that definitely takes the cake as far as the best show I've seen goes. Just a totally transcendent experience, the whole show just shot me back into memories of the best years of my life. I loved that feeling. I especially loved being able to share it with two of my favorite people in the world, ever. I wish my buddy John could have been there. I feel like if there was anyone else I should have seen that show with, it would be him. He got me into them around...2003 I want to say. I think the first song I'd heard by them was Parallel Universe, and I was basically hooked from there. John and I (plus the circle of friends we spent time with) would just hang out almost every day, just driving around blasting Chili Peppers and getting into trouble. And by trouble, I mean we just drove around. Endless summers spent with great friends, and the Peppers were always the soundtrack. I feel like their discography was the score for my life for about 7 years, and that was fine with me. Getting to actually see them, these guys I idolized since I was a kid, was almost too much. I was in shock before, during, and after the concert; I still can't even believe I actually saw them. Best damn show I've been to yet. So here's to you, John.

     I figured out my old MySpace information, and I've been going through the last few years of my life that was catalogued there. What the hell, high school self? What the hell.