Breakdown At A Molecular Level

     Quite a bit has changed recently. I'll cut to the chase since this will probably be a very long entry, but I lost a band member on New Year’s Eve. It happened at a party, and there was apparently Everclear involved. I don't know all of the details since I wasn't there (I was in New Orleans for the holiday) but he went off for no reason and started insulting everyone the band and telling us how we couldn't play or write music at all, and that we wouldn't get anywhere without him, and he quit. Instead of saying the next day "hey guys, I was way too drunk last night and I'm sorry for saying all of that stuff," he just stuck by it. Funny thing is, he claims not to remember what happened, but also claims he wasn't "that drunk." This guy is such a prideful, self-important ass, that we're all pretty sure that he doesn't want to admit that he was a drunk asshole. The way he conducted himself after all of this too has been just extremely petty, and him treating us all like garbage, and for no reason. We didn't do anything to him, HE quit, we didn't kick him out. I guess half an hour or so before he flipped out, the guys were all talking about how their new year’s resolution was to get signed. It's all very strange to me. He won't even tell anyone why we left. He just says he doesn't want to talk about it. Unfortunately, he's also my roommate. So, I’ve been looking for a new place to live. I have some prospective locations lined up, so hopefully I find something soon.

    In other somewhat related news, I've started a side project with two friends of mine. I think we're going to be going for a really gritty, nasty sounding southern rock sound. It'll probably sound similar to clutch but harder and rawer, and I'm certainly looking forward to it. I'm imagining thy lyrical content will consist mostly of drinking, smoking, fighting, and making whoopee, which I'm ok with. It's going to be a three piece band, so I’m probably going to be singing, playing guitar, and maybe even writing most of, if not all, of the music. This will be a huge challenge for me, but I'm more than willing to tackle it. We're going to be taking stage names I believe, so I'm going to take on a whole different persona as well. I think I'm going to have to, since the music will be about things I love, but not really talk about or really exemplify (to an extreme degree, anyway). So, I'm going to have the music believable by acting like this guy, who would write about this stuff in real life. Looks like I'm going to be making up a few stories about fights, women, and drink-offs that never happened, haha. It might be nice to be someone else for an hour or so every so often. Someone who's actually got stories to tell. One who's been around, and seen a few thangs, and writes music about 'em. This is going to be a super, super fun thing.

     So, I think I'm finally going to see a doctor about my depression. It's time. It's been time for a while, I think. Started a few years ago, and has just boiled down into pure apathy. It's really hard to care about anything at all. I of course still have desires and like doing things, it's just...hard to describe, really. Nothing satisfies your urges. You can spend every penny you have on fun, or every second you have with people doing the things you love, but it's not enough. It’s not anything at the end. I really need to fix this. I can't see myself getting a girlfriend anytime soon while I feel this way. Maybe once I get a girl, all these love dreams will stop. I hate having them. I hate remembering what that feels like and not having it and it can sometimes be painful for me to realize that when I wake up, it was all just a dream. They don't feel like dreams. I get the same feelings I did when I was with people I loved. I always feel a bit more drained after waking up these dreams, like it cost me something to feel these feelings. It’s a very odd and confusing thing to wake from. It feels like my subconscious is trying to tell me "hey, love will make you happy again!" Will it? I can't love someone again until I figure myself out. I've got to make sure I have enough energy to. I can't make love out of thin air. Or happiness, it would seem.